carter

I had separate talks with two new parents on how the birth of a child can be a ball such as the destruction of marriage, especially in the first year.
* Three different people asked me what advice I give parents who want their feelings in child rearing.
Linked to these talks.
At the outset, I wish that parents and new mothers everywhere to know that it’s quite normal for this adorable package of joy for some reason a state of chaos in marital satisfaction. And an abundance of research shows that this is happening to the vast majority of couples: Statistics vary, but most studies suggest that 70 to 90 percent of couples report that the least satisfied with their marriages after the birth of the child.
And here’s the thing: Just because it is quite common for us to start feeling, he says, and hostile towards the new partner when he returns home from the hospital, and this does not mean that these feelings are not harmful – or to marry again.
In fact, the hostility between the parents seriously harm the nervous system of the newborn. When parents fight, children do not feel safe, and this is one of the most important things suitable for the development of emotional, intellectual and even physical. Far from being unaware of, the points of fatigue and infants and very attuned to the world around them. May not understand what their parents are fighting, but their nervous system revealed that there is something wrong.
One antidote is important that the decline in marital satisfaction is to get more sleep, but this blog is a different function.
Another important way to keep your marriage from self-destruction for the exercise of empathy with your partner. I like the recommendation John Medina for how to develop “empathy reflex” which he described in his book “Brain Rules for the child,” which, if you do not already have, you should run out and buy.
Medina and here are the steps that must be taken when your partner is looking at you with disgust, anger or even just a mild irritation.
1. Describe the emotions you think you see in your partner. Say you go to work and your partner have been alone in the house all day with the baby. You can return to the homeland, and he or she unleashes on the spot for you because you are late. Instead of referring to it is only 5:36 and I was promised to be before the beginning of 5:30, and say something like: “You look exhausted. And angry. You are clearly on the verge of a blow brutal.”
2. Make a guess what those emotions come from. Continues, “You can not be registered more than three hours of sleep last night, you must be feeling incredibly crappy because of that alone, and it does not help that I got plenty of sleep, woke up, showered, without interruption, and. Jaunted then to the office, where I have the involvement of work, and adults to hold talks with lunch in restaurants that do not involve the pea puree, which land at the end of the day on the collar of my country, and I am so sorry that I’m late, honey, and I appreciate everything you do now. ”
This is one method to describe in a companion “how to pick a fight”, where they can express their appreciation and “the first statement,” When you have to pick bones with the beloved.
The development of Medina in “sympathy reaction” (along with the techniques I describe in this post) reduction of hostility in your marriage. It will also have another important benefit: the practice of empathy with your partner will help you raise a child empathy.
Children do what we do, not what we tell them to do. For example, if you have a child who tends to be defensive when arguing with her brothers (as I do), it probably will not be all that effective simply to tell her: “Do not be defensive and said,” when they do so.
It will be more effective in the design of a model for other ways to respond to the conflict – that is, by accepting at least some responsibility when your fellow parent or spouse accuses you something.
Even when you’re on the verge of a heated argument with your partner (or your children, if they are elderly), and take a step back and make a real effort to understand where your partner coming from – what he or she is feeling, and why has he or she is feeling this way. Then, carefully and sensitively as you can, and try to pass it on to your partner (I’m sure he or she will correct you if you’re wrong).
You enhance the prospects that your children will eventually develop in this same reflex with siblings and friends, and with you, yes, perhaps even with their wives in the future. This “sympathy reaction” in the heart of compassion because it is the main source for both of us sees the suffering of others and put ourselves in a position to help them.